


Fifty Shades of Cake

by VivianeAviene



Category: 50 Shades of Grey - E. L. James, Death Note, Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: 50 Shades of Grey - Freeform, Gen, Nonsense, OOC tendencies, One Shot, Other, Parody, goofing off, satire?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-03-31 19:31:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3990025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VivianeAviene/pseuds/VivianeAviene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is the World's Greatest Detective the Christian Grey of  the Death Note Universe?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fifty Shades of Cake

**Author's Note:**

> Death Note is not owned by me, nor do I profit from this little venture in any monetary way.
> 
> It should go without saying I don't own FSoG, but for the sake of clarification, I do not own Fifty Shades of Grey, either.
> 
> This idea popped into my head one day and I'm not sure exactly how or why, but I had to let it run wild and be free.Obviously I'm late to the party for all the Fifty Shades hoopla as well as showing up late to DN fandom, but at least I'm consistent.

"Hey, Wedy! What's that you're reading?"

 

The question was innocent enough, even if Light Yagami wasn't.

 

The reading material in question wasn't exactly squeaky clean, either, though it wasn't anywhere near as dirty and depraved as all the hype had suggested. Mostly, it was just disappointing.

 

She resisted the urge to reply by simply saying, "Smut", and said, instead, "To be completely honest, I'm not real sure myself. A love story...?"

 

Light's eyebrows raised in surprise and confusion. "Huh?"

 

The boy genius was rarely at a loss for words, and he obviously never missed a conversational nuance, either.

 

This was going to be a really long day.

 

She was already exasperated as it was; this whole investigation had to be one of the strangest jobs she had ever had the chance to assist with, from the possibilities of some remote killing mechanism being at the disposal of some individual or group who could use it at their whim, to her boss handcuffing himself to The Catalog Model for Justice in the name of, ahem, "work-related research".

 

Ha. Handcuffs.

 

Maybe this little episode of Reading Rainbow with the Night Moon God could be fun after all!

 

"It's probably not your usual cup of tea, but you might have heard of it anyway," she said to Light.

 

"Oh! Yes, I'll take one as well. Ten sugarcubes. No. Twelve-actually, just bring the whole bowl," said the nearby detective, in one of his less perceptive moments.

 

"That sounds good. Yeah, I could use a pick-me-up, too. Thanks, Wedy! You're a real gem", Aiber piped up, being his usual smooth operator self.

 

"Uh...okay. First, the both of you need hearing aids a helluva lot more than you need a cup of tea, and second, this is a highly sophisticated 21st century criminal investigation, not an episode of 'Mad Men' ", Wedy deadpanned.

 

"Well, you sure could have fooled me in that get-up. You're dressed like you were expecting her Majesty's Secret Service or something," Aiber replied with a rakish smile.

 

She surveyed him critically. "Oh, sure, 'cause this whole Jersey-Shore-Meets-Key-West look you've got going is totally work-appropriate".

 

"Anyway," she continued, "it's a really, really popular book right now, it's been at the top of the bestseller lists for weeks on end, and they're talking about it everywhere from the morning news to the late-night talk shows. It's not what I'd usually go for, but a friend of mine told me it changed her life, and the curiosity got the better of me."  'Shame on ME for thinking she meant it changed her life for the BETTER', Wedy said to herself silently.

 

"...It's called 'Fifty Shades of Grey' ", she said, holding the book up for all to see.

 

Light walked closer to her. "Well, the cover looks classy and understated," he said.

 

"Light," L interjected, "have you, of all people, never heard the old adage about not judging a book by the cover?"

 

" 'Of all people?' " Light responded indignantly. "What's THAT supposed to mean, Ryuzaki?"

 

"Hey, w-w-w-wait a minute", said the stammering voice of Matsuda, who, up to that point, almost everyone else had been actively trying to ignore, "Wedy, isn't that the book people keep calling 'mommy porn'?"

 

"Yes. Why do you ask, Matsuda? Did you find it on your mother's coffee table and find some highlighted parts you weren't supposed to see?" she asked him teasingly.

 

"No! As a matter of fact, I stay out of her business ever since that time she left her browser open to her  favorite fanfiction site," he said with a cringe.

 

"Oh, come on, Matsuda, I was just kidding-"

 

"Say, Light, you're familiar with that particular kind of entertainment, aren't you?" said L.

 

Light's expression turned aghast and quickly transformed into one of seething irritation, eyes narrowed and jaw tight.

 

"What exactly are you getting at, Ryuzaki?" His outward demeanor masking his terror at the thought of his 'Prince of Tennis' fics being discovered.

 

The unflappable detective placed a thumb against his lips. "Porn," he said, "is what I'm referring to."

 

"Oh, come on! Sure, I look through the occasional issue of the 'Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition', but that is ONLY for the articles!" Light huffed.

 

"Now THAT I BELIEVE", L said. 'Methinks the killer doth protest too much,' he thought.

 

"So, Wedy", L continued, "what's wrong with the book? You don't seem to be enjoying it very much. What's the matter? Not pornographic enough for you?"

 

She shot him a pointed look and sighed before speaking. "No-well, actually-yeah-well, honestly, the sex scenes aren't even what I thought they would be, but that's not the half of it." She shook her head. " I don't know-I'm halfway through it, and it's not like I was expecting the second coming of Shakespeare, or even really some kind of revolutionary, avant-garde erotica, but this..." A look of consternation overtook her face as she strained for just the right words. "For one thing, their whole relationship. It's just so...off. And I don't have anything against S&M-"

 

"...Not with that collection of catsuits, you don't! MROW!" Aiber taunted, smiling sleazily.

 

Wedy turned to shoot him one of her patented "You've-Got-To-Be-Shitting-Me" looks.

 

"That sounds like the kind of foolish comment that would make the main female character in this thing blush like a schoolgirl. Sweet Jesus, all the constant blushing, the flushing, the murmuring-do women of today really get off on all those overused adjectives and relentless repetition?"

 

"Well, I've been called 'relentless' in the bedroom once or twice, and I always get requests for repeat performances," the con artist chimed in, unsolicited.

 

L and Light simultaneously turned their gazes toward him, visibly put off.

 

"There's a case of a con man so good he even falls for his own bullshit," L intoned to Light in a voice so low it could almost have been considered a murmur.

 

"What did you say?" Aiber asked, frowning.

 

"I said the only things of yours more overused than apparently your imagination are your awful pick-up lines," L replied.

 

"There's no substitute for the classics," Aiber said by way of retort.

 

"Speaking of which," Light said, "if you don't like the book, why keep reading it? There are so many excellent books out there, and this one's gotten some really bad reviews; not to judge your taste in books-"

 

"Why not, Light? You don't seem to hesitate in your judgments of anyone or anything else," L said judgmentally.

 

"Anyway," Light continued, rolling his eyes, "I was just curious. As an avid reader myself, I just wondered what the allure is, honestly," his voice taking on a slightly self-congratulatory tone.

 

'Light Yagami being honest? Everyone's a comedian today,' L mused to himself.

 

Wedy stared into the distance thoughtfully. "Oh, I don't know why I keep going with it. Stubbornness? Boredom? Sheer, unadulterated, morbid curiosity?" She paused briefly. "There is a certain weird, addictive quality to it. Like something you know you should stay away from, but you keep going back for more anyway, y'know?"

 

Eerily similar pensive looks fell across both Light and L's faces. Their eyes met and their expressions changed instantly to looks of intense annoyance.

 

'Geez, what is WITH those two,' Matsuda wondered, 'now THERE'S a story worth delving into ', he observed in a rare moment of shrewd observation.

 

All eyes migrated toward the detective, who was compulsively stuffing his face with sweets.

 

"What?" He exclaimed around a half-eaten petit four. "There is no need for you all to stare at me simultaneously!"

 

"Actually," Wedy went on, "now that I come to think of it, there ARE some similarities between the male protagonist of this book and a certain...proponent of justice I know," she said, swiveling in her chair to face L with a wry smile.

 

"Really? Do tell," Light implored, looking more interested than he probably should have.

 

Aiber chuckled. "Yeah, maybe I can pick up some pointers on how to deal with the ladies."

 

"Maybe you can," Wedy retorted.

 

L looked at the bunch out of the corners of his eyes.

 

"As long as we don't get too distracted from the investigation. Alright, Wedy. Let's hear it," L said, getting up from his chair. He shoved his hands into his pockets and sauntered over to join Light at Wedy's side.

 

Wedy looked Light up and down suggestively. "This might get a little racy. Don't go crying to Chief Yagami about how badly I corrupted you."

 

Looking in Light's direction, L added, "Don't worry, Wedy. I don't even think that could be a possibility."

 

"Thanks, Ryuzaki," Light replied with a grin, the corners of his eyes crinkling.

 

Wedy's expression went blank for the 49th time that day.

 

"If Light-kun is finished trying to pass off his willful obliviousness as boyish charm, we can continue," the World's Thinnest Detective said dryly.

 

Light remained silent, all too grateful for the chance to shift the focus of the conversation away from himself-and any implications of wrongdoing on his part-and toward the oddball detective and his proclivities.

 

"Let's see, here, " Wedy said in a low, mischievous tone, briefly eyeing L before reopening the book to thumb through it for examples that would help her make her point.

 

"Well, for starters, Mr. Grey is described by the main female character as being arrogant, autocratic, and cold."

 

L shot Wedy an irritated look. A shit-eating grin appeared on Light Yagami's face.

 

Wedy kept on. "She also says he has impeccable manners, so it's not a perfect match. Not yet."

 

L quietly mumbled something about what kind of manners it took a person working on a high-stakes investigation to sit and openly read cut-rate pornography novels on the job, most of which nobody quite caught.

 

"Since we're probably both better off if I'm not exactly sure what you just said, we'll move along...hmm...well, he does have a well-documented tendency to MURMUR when he TALKS. LOTS. AND LOTS. OF MURMURING." Wedy said in L's direction, hoping to make some kind of impact. She'd noticed over time he had a tendency to make little comments to himself, or no one in particular, just audibly enough to barely be heard. Sometimes she wondered if he did it on purpose. Sometimes it was enough to make her want to get up and smack that black haystack right off the top of his head.

 

"And Mr. Grey is 'very focused, intense...and really young'. That's you, Ryuzaki!"  Wedy looked over to find L intensely focused on building a pyramid out of chewy fruit candies on a nearby desk.

 

"We'll just go on without him," Wedy told Light conspiratorially. L went on with his candy construction project and pretended to ignore them.

 

Pretending to ignore L pretending to ignore her and Light, Wedy flipped a few more pages in the book.

 

"Christian Grey is represented as having an unusually formal manner of speaking for someone in his twenties. Does THAT sound like someone we know?" Wedy asked Light, slyly smiling, eyes darting toward L.

 

"If you're referring to Ryuzaki, I'd say that's a fair assessment," Light replied in a chipper tone.

 

"Hmmm...I thought you might say something like that," L murmured in the direction of his candy stack, stealing a glance at Light.

 

Light was clearly amused. "Oh! Do I...DETECT...we've hit a nerve?"

 

"I'll hit something for you, Yagami", L muttered, barely betraying his calm, collected exterior.

 

"Alright, alright, guys-can we finish storytime before we have another demonstration of your unstoppable fighting techniques, please? Now, what else is there..." The catburglar carefully scanned every page, looking for pertinent points.

 

Suddenly she let out a cackle. "Actually, speaking of that mini-mixed martial arts tournament between you two, I seem to recall catching a glimpse of Ryuzaki's boxers at one point during the footage...and all throughout this book, there's all these mentions of how Christian Grey's pants 'hang off his hips...in that way...' ".

 

"In THAT way?" Asked L's Number One Suspect. "In what way would THAT be?" 'Similar to that of some kind of zombie skeleton?' he thought, and instantly thought better than to actually say it.

 

'Kind of like a human coatrack?' Aiber silently wondered, scrutinizing L's physique as he pretended to be examining his fingernails.

 

Once again sensing multiple eyes on him, the detective piped up, "...What? Our previously outspoken group suddenly has nothing to say?"

 

Giving him the once-over twice, Wedy chimed in, "Other than that you'd think a man of your means would spring for a belt, no, not really...although if you're really anything like the billionaire bossman in this book, maybe it's for the best you don't have easy access to a belt..." she let her sentence trail off, cocking an eyebrow and crossing her legs.

 

"He's supposed to be a BILLIONAIRE?" Light asked incredulously.

 

"Yeah, he's a billionaire", she replied with a sort of breathy weariness, "some kind of self-made man, the CEO of this incredibly lucrative company that has something to do with telecommunications in a way that's never quite really specified. It's all very mysterious. He's very mysterious. Just like our favorite detective over there."

 

"He's an enigma wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in a waffle cone," Aiber said.

 

L crouched silently in front of his colorful candy tribute to ancient Egyptian architecture.

 

"Yeah, the more I think about it, the more they seem to have in common. It's almost kind of creepy," Wedy said, turning to face L. "Hey, you don't have a "playroom" in here somewhere, do you?"

 

L's eyes lit up.

 

"Cakeroom?" he asked enthusiastically. "This man has his very own CAKEROOM? Why didn't I think of that..." he trailed off wistfully, thumb to his lips.

 

Light hung his head and covered his eyes and tried to hold back his laughter.

 

"Way to pay attention, Sherlock", Wedy admonished L. "A PLAYROOM! Not a CAKEROOM!" 'Is all that damn hair creating a sound barrier between his ears and the rest of the world?' she wondered.

 

"What does this "playroom" contain?" L asked earnestly. "A chess board? Darts? Perhaps a video game system of some sort?"

 

Wedy chortled. "No, no, no, it's more the whips and chains and paddles and handcuffs kind of playroom, if you know what I mean, Ryuzaki."

 

Light stared down at his own feet, emanating a kind of awkward nervous energy.

 

"If that's intended to be a jab at my unconventional enhanced interrogation and investigation techniques, allow me to remind you that this is an extremely unusual case we've been working on in which there could be countless lives at stake, and I intend to fully resolve it by any means necessary," L responded, his face very serious.

 

"One man's 'enhanced interrogation techniques' are another's forays into kinky fuckery," Wedy said in a barely audible tone.

 

"As your employer, I highly recommend you watch what you say, Wedy, even in jest," he retorted, adding, sadly, "Not everybody thinks I'm a pervert." He raised his head swiftly. "You don't think I'm a pervert, do you, Light?"

 

Light's face turned fifty shades redder as his mind scrambled for what to say that would sound truthful, and convincing, but discreet.

 

"N-no! No, Ryuzaki. You're not a pervert-not that I'd have any real reason to know whether you are or not-you're just eccentric. You could probably stand to get out a little more when you're not working so hard, too," he said.

 

"Y'know, Christian Grey is a very driven, powerful man. He could be considered...eccentric, and something of a loner. And if it makes you feel any better, his sexual orientation is even called into question at one point," Wedy stated.

 

"The sexual orientations of fictional characters in widely derided books are of little interest to me at this moment, the sexual orientations of actual living persons should be of no real consequence to anyone but themselves and anyone who might be sexually interested in them, and furthermore, I did not realize my sexual orientation was a subject of discussion." L said testily. He then paused and brought a finger up to rest against his mouth. "Wait a minute-is Wedy, in her own stumbling way, saying she finds me to be powerful, driven, successful, and enigmatic? There might be something to this theory. After all, power is one of the strongest aphrodisiacs known on earth."

 

"Spoken like a true pervert," Light mumbled.

 

Wedy just smiled and focused her gaze directly on L. "Well, in the book she keeps bringing up Mr. Grey's 'long index finger'...I don't know why, it's not like he ever does anything with it, but she keeps bringing it up either way. And those are some very long, graceful fingers you have over there, yourself. They look very...nimble."

 

"Excellent for typing. And foot massages," said L, giving Wedy what the others guessed was his best attempt at bedroom eyes.

 

She leaned in closer to him. "And correct me if I'm wrong, but you speak fluent French, don't you?"

 

"Mais oui," he replied, smiling.

 

"You both have some serious food-related fixations..."

 

"How do you mean?" L asked, apparently forgetting about his cavity-causing creation over on the desktop.

 

"Eh...ergh...just trust me..." Wedy replied, back to turning pages of the book.

 

"Oh! You both have butl-er, handler-well, assistants...you both spend a great deal of time inside, and I quote, 'colossal glass-and-stone edifices'..."she looked back at him with a smirk.

 

L gave her a quizzical look, curling his toes.

 

Wedy got the look of someone who has just had a startling realization.

 

"Holy crap! You can even fly a helicopter, can't you, Ryuzaki?"

L looked typically unfazed. "Yes. Occasionally I do when it's required of me. Usually I prefer to leave things like that to the professionals in their respective fields, but when it comes down to it, it's just intuition, really."

 

"...and I can't believe I almost missed the most obvious thing of all-you both have intense, penetrating gray eyes." Wedy's tone took a turn toward the flirtatious. "Look at you! You're like a BDSM romance novel just waiting to happen!"

 

"I've been called worse", said L.

 

'Like he needs any encouragement', Light silently snarked.

 

"Wait a sec," Matsuda piped up after all this time on the conversational sidelines, "the guy's name is Christian Grey and he has gray eyes?"

 

Wedy gave Matsuda a knowing look. "Yeah, there's a lot of stuff in this book that really makes you shake your head...like, she keeps referring to her 'inner goddess', the main female character does. It's never really defined just exactly what the hell all that's about. I'm guessing it's her way of referring to the inner workings of her vagina-" she paused when she noticed she had both Matsuda and Aiber's full attention- "but it could also be some dusty part of her mind, or who knows what...but she's always taking a mental note of this 'goddess' doing some crazy shit, and it's one of the most jarring things I've ever read in my life! This goddess is flipping, spinning, jumping-"

 

"Say, Light, does this have anything to do with why Misa is always so effervescent?" L interrupted.

 

"That's a rude question, Ryuzaki!" Light replied, knowing full well he couldn't have found Misa's inner goddess with Apple Maps, Google, and step-by-step written instructions.

 

"Sorry, Light. My inner goddess got the better of me," L said suppressing a laugh.

 

Wedy giggled. "Now don't you start, too! The acrobatics are just the tip of the iceberg; she eats grapes-"

 

"I saw that in a live show in Thailand once," Aiber contributed needlessly.

 

"-She gets her ice cream taken away-"

 

"Oh, I hate when that happens", L said firmly.

 

"-I mean, the minute you've got half a hope in hell of getting into the story in spite of everything else that's going on in the book, that damned goddess shows up to audition for the Circque du Soleil or whatever! When she's not bouncing around like a cheerleader on crack-"

 

'Her inner goddess IS Misa Amane?' L wondered idly.

 

"-she's beside herself, hopping from foot to foot!"

 

' Her inner goddess is a strung-out Shinigami?' Light thought.

 

"...I mean seriously, I'm no literary snob, but come on," she continued, "she says they had chocolate fudge brownie sex with a cherry on the top-"

 

'Maybe this book isn't a complete waste of trees after all,' L silently mused, nibbling his thumb.

 

"-and that the guy's voice is, quote, 'warm and husky, like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel...or something'-"

 

'Why can't I meet somebody like that?' The two young geniuses thought, simultaneously, without a sound, eyes locked on each other, indifferent to the looks from the others in the midst of the steadily rising tension in the room.

 

"Ryuzaki...?" Light said, transfixed.

 

"Yes?"

 

"Do you want to take a snack break?"

 

"Yes," L replied unflinchingly, his voice a little bit huskier himself.

 

Matsuda looked concerned. "Ryuzaki, doesn't Watari usually bring the f-"

 

"Matsuda, why don't you partner up with Wedy for awhile to continue working on the investigation," L said to cut him off. "When Light and I get back, I'm sure we'll all be able to focus a lot better. Come on, Light, there's some lemon pastry in the other room I think we'll both enjoy."

 

"Sounds good! Let's go," Light said with a smile he couldn't hide, and with that, they left. Light still smiling away, and L with an unusual spring in his step. You could almost say they were beside themselves next to each other.

 

"Wedy, you can show me how the cameras work. I promise I won't do anything perverted," Matsuda offered helpfully.

 

Aiber had a lurid counter statement already. "If you show me how they work, I promise I will." 

 

"I can't believe I took my sunglasses off for this shit," Wedy murmured to no one in particular.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully this made you laugh a little...
> 
> And yes, I know a lot of this is OOC/Non-Canon ( surprise! ); look, at least I refrained from making L an expert pianist ( *ahem* ); I don't think it's such a stretch of the imagination to think he's fluent in French, given that he has been characterized as maybe a quarter French, as well as all the international cases he works.
> 
> To any 50 Shades fans, I guess I kind of don't know what to say, besides pretentious-sounding quotes about knowing yourself and being true to yourself, and that should probably do it for that, other than to say if it weren't for Fifty Shades, and the surrounding hype, and of course Death Note, this little fic monstrosity would not exist. So....sorry? ( Or do YOU owe ME the apology? So hard to tell anymore. )
> 
> Anyway, this was a little squirming, relentless concept I wanted to get out real quick. 
> 
> Thanks for stopping by!


End file.
